Hello Hello!

My thoughts...

Tuesday, 09 June 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos
    Currently
    The Office: Season Four
    By Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski, Jenna Fischer, B.J. Novak
    see related

    Where have I been?

    Why, in the City, meeting GreekPhysique, of course.

    This started out as a blog to post the few pictures we took, but now I'm nervous... I might get caught up in writing something that I don't have time to write.

    Where have I been?
    • Working, mostly.
    • Working out a little. (More before I hurt my knee. Hopefully more again soon.)
    • Actually having a social life.
    • Working through a lot in counseling.
    • Being a little surprised, flattered, and... confused by guys starting to show interest in me.
    • Growing my hair out.
    • Playing my new game, Okami, but that's only been since last Friday.
    • Too much Sudoku. It's good for your brain, but perhaps not to the point I've taken it.
    • Watching The Office, Seasons 1-4 (I got them on sale at Target for $80 for all four seasons.)
    • Twitttering quite often. If you Twitter, I'm Eilis_Angelos. PS Josh Groban just got one.
    • Getting ready to go to my sister's wedding in the beginning of July.
    • Having my credit card info stolen.
    • Not taking enough pictures.
    • Starting a quilt made out of t-shirts that I don't wear anymore.
    • Trying to become less of a procrastinator.
    • Not reading nearly enough.
    • Attempting to straighten out my seriously screwed up sleep cycle.
    Enough of that. Here are the pictures we took:
     
    John took this one. I just have to say, it was quite warm out.
    But what you have to understand is...

    I'M the one who has mastered the art of arm's-length pictures.

     
    Just trying for a cool pose but... that car in the shot is kinda nifty.


    Here is my attempt at a good pose. Yeah or Nay?

    I'm sorry, I really should post more about the actual visit, but my sleep has been really out of whack lately and I need to try to get to bed.

    Much love! I'll try to post more.

Saturday, 02 May 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    Xanga TV tonight?

    Hey friends,

    I know the weekend is usually pretty slow, but I figured I'd do some Xanga TV later this evening, if anyone is interested. If you're interested, I'd appreciate your input.

    What time would you like? I'm thinking about 8 or 9EST.

    Do you have any song requests? I'm serious. I love to sing and would be happy to sing for you. Actually, you probably won't be able to avoid it.

    What questions do you have for me? I accidentally missed a couple last time. Is there anything you'd like to know about me? Or, if you're feeling more general, I could give you my opinion on something, etc. As many of my friends already know, I have strong opinions on good hugs.

    PS Hope you don't mind the usertags. I just tagged people who I thought might be interested. Let me know if they bother you.

Monday, 06 April 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    My haiku for today:

    Don't stop being you.
    You think you're not what they want.
    You're extraordinary.

    I like it. I think I'll try to write some more. I want to get back into writing, especially songs. I have so much running around my head right now. I'm a little afraid to put it out there for others to see. A new brand of "real" for me.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    Written just now. (Time to leave for my voice lesson.)

    Early childhood - you are happy with who you are.
    "Who cares what anyone else says? I like me."
    Then, you learn that you DO care and begin to hide the pieces that you think others are less likely to value.
    Soon, your mask is constructed.
    Eventually, you don't know who you are without it
    You have forgotten that there was somebody underneath the mask.
    You have forgotten that you are even wearing one.
    How can I show you the real me,
    When I don't even know who she is myself?

Monday, 02 February 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    My random list is finally finished

    I was tagged for this 12 times on Facebook, the first one being almost 2 weeks ago, so I figured I'd finally post my list. I tagged some people who I thought would like to read it.

    25 Random things about me:

    1. I have never walked on a frozen lake. I recently dreamed about falling through the ice on one, but I have never attempted this feat in the waking world.

    2. I bowled a strike with my left hand one summer when my right hand had been rendered unusable.

    3. I have yet to have stitches, even with the aforementioned injury (a huge slice on my palm). I was supposed to have them that time, but I dodged the bullet, as it were.

    4. I took the ACT in 7th grade. I actually got a decent score.

    5. I now want to take the SAT, because I never got to. Despite this fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm still sane.

    6. When I was in kindergarten, there was only one bathroom for the girls and one bathroom for the boys at my school (teachers included). I unwittingly kept a whole line of girls waiting for the bathroom as I sang to myself. There was a grate in the floor, you see, and I was certain that there was a shark under there, waiting to pop out and get me. The grate was probably only 6 inches across. So, I sang to distract myself from my fear, unaware that everyone outside the bathroom could hear me.

    7. Did I mention that I have an irrational fear of sharks? Why I moved closer to the ocean is quite beyond my capacity.

    8. I visit Dictionary.com at least once a day (often multiple times) to look up new words or be sure that I am using ones in my current vocabulary in the correct context. It has got to be one of my favorite websites.

    9. I often spot grammatical errors and/or typos in books that I read. I have to resist a great deal in order to keep myself from marking up library books with corrections. (As a side note: this also makes it much easier to spot chain letter frauds, since these usually have some sort of slip-up along those lines.)

    10. When I was little, I thought that I could talk to cats... in their language. Apparently, according to my older brother, I took this "talent" to school with me and attempted to communicate with the other kids this way. I don't remember this second part.

    11. I saw the ocean (Atlantic) for the first time when I was 22. It was nighttime and practically pitch black. The sound coupled with the vastness of it made me want to fall over backward into the sand. It was amazing, terrifying and beautiful. I now live practically on the coast and have yet to see the ocean since I moved here in May. Thus far I have only waded in it and have yet to really "swim" in the ocean. That's ok, there could be sharks.

    12. I will go to great, often comical, lengths to avoid getting a tan. There are numerous reasons for this, all of which I believe to be perfectly valid.

    13. I also flew in an airplane for the first time when I was 22. (This was for the same trip as when I saw the ocean.) I went to Jacksonville, FL to attend the wedding of two dear people whom I had been friends with online for years. They say that I was the reason they initially met.

    14. By the way, my bangs were blue for that wedding. The rest of my hair was black. (On a side note, the groom's mother asked me if I wanted to smoke dope with her because I "looked like someone who does that".) =P I have had many different colors in my hair as an accent at one time or another. When I was 19 or so I had it cut short and it was completely blue. I also had a cross buzzed into the back of my hair because, as I said at the time, "When else am I going to have the chance to do this?" Want to see pictures? Ask me. I have 'em.

    15. Soundtracks are some of my favorite cd's. Whether instrumental or compilation, they're often able to convey things that mere words cannot. I often discover new music this way as well. A few of my favorite soundtracks are: Instrumental- Braveheart and Last of the Mohicans. Seriously, you can't go wrong with these two. Animated- most Disney movies (which are like mini-musicals most of the time), but my favorite is probably Tarzan. Compilation- Runaway Bride and City of Angels (Notting Hill is pretty good, but I don't own it... yet.). Musical- Phantom of the Opera or Sweeney Todd.

    16. I have an affinity for pillows (good ones) and bedding. Since I presently can, I sleep with no fewer than three pillows. One for my head and one on either side for me to hug/lean on since I almost always sleep on my side. My bed actually has eight pillows though. Two big, square show pillows, four sleeping pillows (two are GREAT and two are mediocre), and two old pillows in shams that came with my bedding... they're very flat and useless, so they're mostly for show.

    17. When I have been poked on Facebook by one or both of my two best friends I tend to wait a while before poking them back. It makes me happy to see their names at the top of the page when I log onto Facebook via my Blackberry.

    18. I am actually quite adroit. At least, it's not usually easy to trip me. However, if you put something between my feet and the ground (like a skateboard and, one can only assume, a snowboard)... bad things could happen.

    19. There are people who color their hair, and people who don't. I
    used to be very proud of being one of the latter, now I count myself
      among the former... frequently.

    20. Unless I'm much mistaken, both of my best friends have had blue
    hair at one point in time or another. This makes my heart happy. ^_^

    21. There are three physical attributes that I can always appreciate
    about myself, no matter how bad depression might strike: my eyes
    (which change colors, but are mostly blue), my lower legs (not sure
    what exactly to say. They're nice) and my hair (it manages to do just
    about anything I can ask of it).

    22. On the 26th day of December in the 26th year of my life, I got my
    first tattoo. It happens to be the same words as the title for one of
    my favorite Josh Groban songs, You Are Loved. This was pure
    coincidence and didn't even occur to me until after I'd conceptualized
    and decided on the design.

    23. I like cosplay. This is dressing up in costume as a character from a video game, movie, etc. It's an enjoyable hobby. However, I've met a lot of CRAZY people while attending anime conventions. Just remember, I'm the happy medium between you and those people, and that's ok.

    24. I once had a girl tell me that she could sense evil on my scarf and didn't know why until she saw that it was a Harry Potter scarf. I followed this with a rational conversation with her. However, it had me pretty steamed at the time and still annoys me. (She also thought that my anime posters had demon eyes...*rolls eyes*)

    25. 5 is my favorite number. I loved being 25 years old because it's 5
    squared. (Also, one of my best friends made supper for me on my birthday.) Now I'm 26... 13x2=ugh. =P I look a lot younger than I really
    am so... Maybe I shouldn't care?

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Friday, 16 January 2009

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    The futility of telling an addict to "just stop".

    Hello, my friends. I'm sorry it's been awhile. I'm going to preface my post, this once, with something of a disclaimer:

    I'm a Christian. Deal with it. I will write about what I feel is relevant to my life. You don't have to be a Christian to be my friend, but don't take offense when I use my blog to express opinions about things I believe in.

    That being said, here we go.


    I don't make New Year's resolutions. I've always felt that, in doing so, I was setting myself up for failure. An interesting thing that I found out recently is that, statistically, most people stop making New Year's resolutions by the time they're 50. I guess I'm ahead of the curve.

    The reasoning behind this drop-off in resolutions usually is the result of repeated failures. So people begin to believe "This is just the way I am." I guess if you fail at something often enough, you just start to believe it to be a true aspect of who you are. It seems insurmountable and all attempts at overcoming it begin to feel futile.You live in shame and dread the idea of someone seeing the real you because you believe that "What you've done defines who you are."

    What a LIE.

    Life has a way of defining us by our greatest failures. Alcoholic. Pervert. Addict. We are quite often labeled by those things. But our failures have a way of exposing our deeper needs. Most of these things we do are medicating a wound and/or trying to fulfill a need.

    And why do we continue on with these things if we know that they are harming ourselves and others? Shame. We're so worried about what others might think if they knew about our "problem" that we hide it from everyone, including God. (Or, we try.) Well, shame is the easiest way to steal a person's identity. In our shame, we begin to see our failings as being the only things that define us. We lose sight of everything else that makes us who we are.

    If I could stop being so worried about hiding my failures from God, I would be so much more free. I think it's so funny that we try to hide things from an omniscient being. You know what confession is? It's telling God what He already knows about us. So what's the point in hiding?

    In that spirit, allow me to be a little vulnerable with you for a moment. Many of you may or may not be aware that I battle depression. Last month, I was battling it quite seriously. What most of you probably don't know, is that I have often struggled with the desire to do harm to myself. It is very difficult to explain the motivation behind it to someone who has never dealt with it. And I don't pretend to know everyone's reasons. But perhaps I can help you to understand it a little better.

    I knew a girl who, very obviously, dealt with it to a much greater extent. Her arms were severely scarred from cuts and burns. This was not something she wanted to give in to again, which she told her mentor (an older woman). So, she was told to go to this woman the next time she felt the need to hurt herself. One day, she slipped up and did it again. This time, she went to her mentor, thinking she would be able to deal with and overcome it better with the support that she had been promised. What did this mentor tell her? "Just stop." My friend was dejected and broken. This is not something that you can simply stop at will. When she came to me with what had happened, I was grieved for her and angry on her behalf. Cutting is not the problem, it is the symptom behind the problem. You can knock all of the apples off of an apple tree and be pleased with yourself for getting rid of the apples, but, next year, you will still have apples. You have to uproot the tree, or cut it down, if you want them to stop. It's the same way with treating the symptoms instead of the root problem.

    When I want to hurt myself, what voices do you suppose I hear? Let me clue you in, it's not a voice telling me to "just cut yourself". It's a voice telling me, over and over, all of the things that I despise about myself, all of my failures that I cannot seem to overcome, all of my addictions, all of the people whom I have hurt and how I deserve to be punished for what I have done.

    I guess, if you hear something often enough, you start to believe it to be true. Shame tries to take you and, ultimately, kill you. I know it did me.

    So, if you or someone you know is stuck in an identity that has been brought on be shame, don't give in to the lie that "This is just who you are." Failure doesn't make you into that failure, it means that you are human and you need more than your own strength to get past your shame in order to address that deeper need.

    Well, let me tell you something, shame has met its match in God's grace.

    Today's blog brought to you by God's grace in my life and by Liquid Church's current series: Identity Theft http://www.liquidchurch.com/

Tuesday, 06 January 2009

Monday, 05 January 2009

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    There's so much to catch up on!

    There's SO MUCH to catch up on!

    ACK! *dies*

    Found out today that I didn't really gain any weight over the holidays.

    Went clothing shopping, over the break, for the first time in a LONG time. Got lots of good things and found that some clothing was *gasp!* too big!

    I miss my family, and things went really well for Christmas. For what feels like the first time in forever, I had a Christmas with little to no depression.

    In case you missed it, I got a tattoo. My first. I love it.

    Picture taken last night in aforementioned new clothes:

Saturday, 27 December 2008

  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    This is my first tattoo... I hope it heals well. :)

    I only just got it yesterday; I thought you guys might like to see it.

     
    I know it might look like a Josh Groban reference, but it's not. For those of you who don't know, You are Loved(Don't Give Up) is the title of one of his songs. It also happens to be one of my favorite songs.

    It's a very purposeful tattoo. I need this reminder much more often than you might think and the placement is very significant to me.

    How do you like it? ^_^

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Monday, 15 December 2008

  • Posted by EilisAngelos
  • Posted by EilisAngelos

    Pictures speak louder than words... sometimes. ;) (Xanga calendar contest.)

    Edit: As of 8:46AM, here's the tally:
    1-6.5 (Yes, I gave a couple of them half votes when someone liked them but chose another one overall.)
    2-1 (I guess that one's out.)
    3-8
    4-3
    5-8 (I never thought this one would get so many votes! My hair's all messy. I had just crawled through a tunnel and tried to smile while the sun burned my retinas. I actually flopped over onto my back directly afterward. Maybe people like the Jay Leno chin thing...)  
    6-0 (And I really liked that one too. The colors!) *pouty face... ok not really*
    7-11.5

    Sorry for the timestamp, just wanted to get the results so far out and the post up one more time before I check the final tally this evening.


    When I went to visit, saintvi, Trebleclef402 and HumbleWalk for Thanksgiving, Vi was amazing enough to help me take lots of pictures so I could enter into the Xanga calendar contest.

    I must admit, to my own detriment, I have been too busy, tired or depressed to get the entry up. Now I've worked my way through most of a thoroughly relaxing weekend. I had better get this post up before I enter into the week again. But here's the problem:

    I can't pick a favorite picture.

    I'm sorry for the lack of creativity in this post, but I'm going to put up all of my favorites and let you, the public, or the BFN crew... or whomever, decide which should be entered (and, hopefully, chosen) for the BFN calendar contest. Have at them! By the way, I know there's a shadow in the first picture, but I really like the shot. Besides, that's saintvi's shadow. Two Xangans for the price of one!


    I have a guess which one you'll pick. Because, you see, it's probably the one I'd pick too. (If I were you.)
    There were lots of other pictures. But, as it turns out, action shots of me on a swing are NOT flattering.

    PS September is my favorite month, if I get to choose which month I'm entering for.